Questions to ask your parents before it’s too late
Most of us mean to ask. We tell ourselves that one of these Sundays we'll sit down with Mom or Dad and finally hear about the first apartment, or the summer at the lake, or how they met. Then the Sundays slip by.
It doesn't have to be a solemn occasion. A pot of coffee and a few old photographs on a quiet afternoon will do it. Below is a gentle way to set up that talk, the questions that tend to open people up, and a couple of habits that keep their answers useful for years.
Setting up the talk
Tell your parent ahead of time what you'd like to do and why. "I'd love to hear about when you were little, and I want to remember it right" goes over far better than a surprise interview at the holiday table. The Oral History Association, which sets the standards for this kind of work, suggests explaining the purpose of the interview and how the recording might be used before you begin.
Pick a quiet room and turn the television off. Bring a few photographs or a keepsake from the house, because a face in an old picture often brings back names that a question alone won't. Keep the first visit to an hour or so. You can always come back.
Let your parent steer. If a question touches something painful (a brother who died young, a hard year), it's fine to move on. The same Association says people have the right to decline a subject, and a parent who feels safe will often come back to it later on their own.
Recording, with permission
Ask before you press record. The Library of Congress suggests asking an older relative whether you may record the conversation, and a smartphone or a small digital recorder is plenty. If they'd rather you didn't, take notes instead and read a few lines back to make sure you've got them right.
When you start, say who's talking, the date and where you are. The Oral History Association recommends opening every recording with the names, the full date and the place, and keeping the place general, like "Mom's kitchen," rather than a street address. In our fictional sample family, the Does, John might begin, "This is John Doe, talking with my mother, Margaret, at her kitchen table on Sunday, 15 November 2026." Ten seconds, and the recording labels itself.
Good questions to ask
Questions that start with "what," "how" or "tell me about" invite stories. Questions that can be answered with a yes or a no tend to close them, and the Oral History Association advises open-ended ones for that reason. You won't need all of these in one sitting, so pick the ones that suit your parent.
Childhood and home
What's the first house you remember, and what did it look like inside?
Who lived with you when you were small, and who came to visit often?
What did an ordinary weekday look like when you were ten?
What did your family do on holidays, and what was always on the table?
Their parents and grandparents
What were your parents' full names, and what was your mother's maiden name?
What do you remember about your grandparents, even the small things?
Where did your parents grow up, and how did they meet?
Did anyone in the family come from another country, and do you know when?
Names and places
Were you named after someone, and who chose your name?
As far as you know, has the spelling of our family name ever changed?
Which towns, churches or cemeteries matter to our family, and why?
School, work and everyday life
What was school like, and which teacher do you still think about?
What was your first job, and what did you do with your first pay?
What work did your parents do, and did you ever go along with them?
The big moments
Which events in the news do you remember most clearly from when you were young?
Did anyone in the family serve in the military, and what did they say about it?
How did you two meet, and what do you remember about your wedding day?
Papers and photographs
Is there a family Bible, a box of letters or an old album somewhere in the family?
Who are the people in this photograph, and when do you think it was taken?
Looking back
What do you wish you'd asked your own parents?
What would you like your grandchildren to know about you?
Our free guide, The Family Story Starter, has more questions grouped the same way, with room to write the answers.
Write down who told you, and when
A story is far more useful when you know where it came from. At the top of your notes, or in the name of the recording file, write who told it and the date. "Told by Mom at her kitchen table, 15 November 2026" takes no time at all, and years from now it'll tell you exactly how you know what you know.
Our fictional Does show why that matters. In the sample book we made to show how our books work, the family has always said its name was longer once and that an official at Ellis Island shortened it (most names weren't changed there). The book notes that John's mother heard the story from her father in the 1950s. Knowing who said it, and when, is what let the researcher weigh it fairly when the made-up records told a different tale.
Keep the guesses, too. "Around 1940" or "somewhere outside Pittsburgh" is a real clue, and it's better written down as a guess than lost. While your parent is right there, ask how the names are spelled. It's much harder to check later.
Going back
Memories often surface in the days after a good talk, so it helps to visit again. Bring a short list of follow-ups, maybe the name you didn't catch or the photograph nobody could place. If you type up your notes, give your parent a copy to read. They'll fix the spellings, and very often they'll add something new.
Later on, you can set the stories beside the records, like the census and the old newspapers. Some details will match and some won't, and both are worth knowing. A family story that turns out to be a little off is still part of your family's history.
Is there one question you've always meant to ask your mother or father? We'd love to hear what it is, and what they said.
When you're ready to turn those conversations into something your family can keep, we'd be glad to help. At Root & Quill we research and write hardcover family history books, with every fact cited to its source. You can see how a finished page looks in our Sample Pages, and the choices are on Books & Pricing. It all starts with a free 30-minute conversation, and after it we send a written fixed quote within two business days.
Book a free 30-minute consultation
Picture: Albert Anker, Grandfather Telling a Story, 1884. Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.
